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Should You Invite Your Ex to Holiday Affairs

By Len Stauffenger

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Published: 27Mar2009
Word count: 599
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If there is one message underlying all the rest of the ideas I've put forth in my articles it is that the children must be considered first in any divorce before any decision gets made. If you're now divorced and there's a family event that you think your ex might enjoy attending, you have to consider your child first.

Ask yourself questions from as many angles as you can. Will he or she be bringing a date? Do the kids get along with the new date? Will you yourself feel uncomfortable seeing him or her with someone new? Is there any good reason why he should not be invited? Have you spoken to the parents, grandparents or in-laws involved? What is their input? Have you asked your children how they'd feel if your ex attended? Was it positive? Negative? I personally think that if you are inviting your ex to a holiday dinner or even to your wedding, you would be wise to look at this from all the angles. It would be rude not to invite the new person in your ex's wife. Divorce interaction protocol does bring up some uncomfortable, emotional situations, so please don't make a snap decision without a full look.

Another aspect of considering your children in inviting your ex to an event is the lesson wrapped up in becoming mature over this. We all have former relationships. We'll all have future relationships. You want to act in a non-combative, collaborative way and you will be teaching your children to discipline their emotions and use reason when you make a decision. You can explain to them how you arrived at your decision and how challenging that might have been for you. This is a superb learning opportunity.

Decisions that involve more than just you are complicated and there's no getting around that idea. This kind of decision creates feelings that are emotionally challenging as well, because none of us likes to be in a situation or place someone else in a situation where their feelings will get hurt. No one like to feel hurt, and being in a room with your ex would bring all the old feelings back - the good ones and the uncomfortable ones.

Have you considered how your ex might feel being invited to attend a function with a family to which he/she no longer is a part? If he/she does attend, you can consider who he might feel most comfortable talking with and seat him beside that person and away from someone who might be a touch more uncomfortable.

I think a rule of thumb is to have heart to heart discussions with the majority of people who are going to be involved and get their input. His/her attendance for some occasions would be arbitrary, and for others, like a child's wedding, might be mandatory, say, in the case of inviting ex-grandparents to child's wedding.

If the event involves your ex because the two of you are co-parenting, then at a minimum let your ex know about the event even if he isn't invited. That's only fair.

I know I didn't provide any absolute answers. What I provided were considerations, because I think you're capable of resolving this for yourself. It will strengthen your sense of self-worth and I'd like that for you. Families involving divorce and children are always a source of that strengthening. This divorce thing can be such a sticky wicket, and yet it comes with some blessings too.

In his book "Getting Over It: Wisdom for Divorced Parents," Len Stauffenger shares his simple wisdom gleaned from his divorce with his daughters and with you. Len is a Success Coach and an Attorney. You can purchase Len's book and it's accompanying workbook at http://www.wisdomfordivorcedparents.com

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