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Choosing To Forget the Painful Memories That Led To Your Divorce

By Len Stauffenger

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Published: 28Oct2008
Word count: 457
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When memories about the joy of your wedding day comes crashing down on the day your spouse says "I want a divorce," you enter into a cycle of abandonment, fear, anger, and loss. Grief, anxiety, sorrow, guilt, denial and depression all come crashing down on your head. Tempers flare and shouting makes you cringe. It's not a pretty picture.

Somehow, someway, you've got to find a way to heal from all these hurtful emotions. Here are some tips to help you accomplish that.

Although your needs are plenty, your children's needs exceed them. They deserve a parent who is on top of things - a parent they can trust. While you are interfacing with your children, you have to set your own needs aside. They should not bleed through to your kids. I think you can do that without losing sight of satisfying your own needs at a different time.

You will need a support team. Don't try to handle all this emotion on your own. And don't chose someone (like a sister) who will agree with you about how awful he was. Choose someone with more objectivity, because I have to tell you this, you made mistakes, too. If you don't find out what they were, you're doomed to repeat them in a second divorce. Find a helpful minister, a compassionate and savvy therapist, or some counselor who can help you see the role you played.

Keeping track of all the "she done me wrongs" won't serve your healing. These memories are the things that you'll need to discuss with your support team. This might be the best time in your life to learn forgiveness techniques. Here's one: ask your support person to sit in front of you and "be" your offensive ex. Now, tell your support/ex person all the reasons why you forgive him or her. Tell him about all the things he or she did to you and that you forgive him.

"I forgive you for all the times you stayed out late." "I forgive you for the times you squandered your paycheck and we couldn't make the house payment." "I forgive you for never keeping the house clean."

Let it all hang out and get it all out of your system. If this isn't possible for you or you think it won't work for you, write it all down in a letter that you will never mail. Tell your ex specifically that you forgive him or and what you forgive him or her for. Then, burn the letter in your fireplace and let it all go up with the smoke.

Once you can clear your mind of all this old baggage, you can get ready to create the next good thing in your life.

In his book "Getting Over It: Wisdom for Divorced Parents," Len Stauffenger shares his simple wisdom gleaned from his divorce with his daughters and with you. Len is a Success Coach and an Attorney. You can purchase Len's book and it's accompanying workbook at http://www.wisdomfordivorcedparents.com

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