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In the early days of divorce, I don't think it is possible to see all of the benefits that you might be accruing. In fact, it might just be impossible to see any benefit at all. It's only in the years that follow that you begin to see why it might have just been a true blessing in disguise.
We frequently are incapable of telling ourselves the truth submerged in our situation. It oftentimes takes years of processing and working with those ideas before we can tell those truths to ourselves. Our friends might see the truth in a snap, but when they try to tell us, we protect ourselves with denial. It's one of those "You can't handle the truth!" situations. If we cannot admit it even to ourselves, there is no way we'd bare our souls to admit it to any other.
So we live with the pain, but little by little, as we struggle through the massive changes that divorce mandates, in our quiet moments, small thoughts begin to seep through our consciousness. "I'm glad he's not here. We wouldn't have had nearly as much fun if he'd been here." "Oh she would have put a real damper on this party. Good riddance." "Well thank goodness I didn't have to deal with his drunken behavior tonight!" "My home has been so much clean since that slob isn't here any more." I could list tons more, but I have a sneaky hunch you are filling in the gaps for me right now, eh?
Once you get to this "admitting it to yourself part" slowly you let your backside hang out with your friends, and you admit how less-than-perfect he or she was; how their behavior really bothered you; how you hid it from your family and friends. And this is the beginning of one of the biggest benefits: integrity. You begin to unfold the ability to tell the truth right in the moment without hiding it. Soon, you'll be telling yourself the truth as it happens and it's so freeing.
Then, there's self-sufficiency. In a marriage, each of you has a tendency to lean on one another. I always felt that once it was only me, although there were moments of resentment and I-don't-want-to's, I began to see there was only me. Even with my ex beside me, it was still only me, but I didn't see that until she wasn't there any longer. I grew stronger and more self-sufficient as I lived my life with my daughters, and today, it's such a blessing to know that I'm the only one I can look to or lean on for everything.
When I became honest, and self-sufficient, I was able to love and accept myself more. I could approve of my own decisions; I could move without hesitation into them. I knew that even if I made a mistake, I could fix it later on. I began to recognize not only my weaknesses (well, my ex helped me a lot with that one) but I began to recognize my strengths. I now know quite a bit about my character and my personality. All this courtesy of my divorce.
Did you get all the good stuff? integrity, self-sufficiency, love, and acceptance. These are critical steps in this life. These are your blessings in disguise from your divorce - it's benefits! View them as part of the pathway to heaven. You are on that pathway right now.
In his book "Getting Over It: Wisdom for Divorced Parents," Len Stauffenger shares his simple wisdom gleaned from his divorce with his daughters and with you. Len is a Success Coach and an Attorney. You can purchase Len's book and it's accompanying workbook at http://www.wisdomfordivorcedparents.com
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