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Both of You are Responsible for the Infidelity

By Len Stauffenger

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Published: 04Mar2009
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Infidelity is one of the main causes behind the painful experience of divorce, and if this horror is fresh in your life right now, you might not want to read my words, let alone agree with them. Most of us enter into a marriage with the concept of fidelity emblazoned across our hearts and souls and we promise to be faithful and true to one another.

"And then something happens."

The causes of infidelity in a marriage belong to both the husband and the wife, regardless of which one was actually unfaithful. If you don't admit to your role in the experience, you are bound to repeat it, so I'd strongly urge you to read about these ideas with an open mind in order to prevent this from ever happening to you again.

Unfaithfulness, or having an affair, is often viewed as a betrayal of the marriage commitment. Whether the affair was an event of the physicality or of the emotions, both kinds of infidelity are painful for the other member of the team, who views either of them as a form of betrayal.

I can tell you that the person who is performing the infidelity is doing so for themselves, and not to go against their spouse. They might have reasons to blame their spouse such as the spouse is neglecting their relationship; their spouse spends more time with the kids; their spouse has quit communicating openly with them. These are just some of the excuses for blaming someone else for what is really their infidelity, but if you are the non-offender, do look at these and see if you do any of them.

The unfaithful spouse frequently works from a perspective of being jealous of his spouse for a variety of reasons, some of them too silly to even mention. Are you one of those who accepts excuses like this? Maybe an honest look at your commitment to your relationship with your spouse is due.

Infidelity sometimes stems from judgments that are made about the spouse: you might think that they are not a good wage earner, so you're justified to fool around; she might be a plain Jane, and since you're such a prince, you feel justified to have an affair. He might uphold a higher moral standard than you do, which makes you think it's okay to lie and cheat on him because that'll show him! These are all mistaken justifications and need the light of honesty shined on them.

You might be outgrowing the relationship but you stay in it because by now, you are financially involved to the hilt and it would be a financial smack in the jaws to divorce, so why not just have a fling to cut the boredom, add a little spice, and basically (in your mind only) honor the commitment because, after all, "It's only sex, not love." So many people do not buy that line of BS.

You might work with someone who is extremely attractive and what began as innocent flirting could end up as a full blown affair. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction and what might feel great now, could end up as guilt or shame later on, so take the long view. Or is this just an act of revenge because you are aging and your spouse is holding her own a bit better than you?

Have you considered what are you teaching your children? Is your example good for them? Don't think that they are quite young now and are unaware of what you're doing. They'll find out sooner or later. Don't you want to be their knight in shining armor always and forever?

Making it through the other side of an affair leaves both members of the marriage shaken. I found some wonderful vulnerability quizzes on the internet that you can take to see where you stand in this sensitive situation. http://tinyurl.com/67y9au It's my hope that infidelity doesn't knock on your door again. Divorce isn't fun, and if you wise up, you'll no longer have to bear the blame.

In his book "Getting Over It: Wisdom for Divorced Parents," Len Stauffenger shares his simple wisdom gleaned from his divorce with his daughters and with you. Len is a Success Coach and an Attorney. You can purchase Len's book and it's accompanying workbook at http://www.wisdomfordivorcedparents.com

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