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5 Devious Devices You Should Quit Using to Punish Your Ex

By Len Stauffenger

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Published: 30Jan2009
Word count: 857
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Now that you are divorced, are you using rigid scheduling tactics to punish your ex and decrease his time with his kids? Do you pack clothing for your children's overnight stay that you know will make him/her angry? Do you deliberately not show up for events with your children when you've said you would? Do you find this beneficial for the children? Do you treat your ex's new choice of partner in a disapproving way?

Some people would say your Inner Child is in control doing all these things. I would say that your inner child is a bit of a brat and needs to grow up. I'm going to discuss several ways this punishment might be happening and some ideas about quitting it. I'm going to ask you to remember that, whether you wanted this divorce or not, your kids certainly didn't want it. So now, you've got to put their needs first and give up on your grousing.

1. SPITEFULNESS. This attitude shows malicious ill will and a desire to hurt. It also shows that you're terribly hurt and you want them to know how much you are hurting. I'd like to suggest that spitefulness really isn't making anyone feel any bit better for it: you don't feel better; your ex doesn't feel better (or understand your hurt); and the children are uncomfortable around you when you do it. Basically, when you use spite, you hurt yourself and your children even more! I'd recommend that when you want to do something spiteful, you ask yourself "What good can come to me or my children from this?" If there is no good accruing, please don't do it. Try using words to express how hurt you are.

2. REFUSING TO MAKE CHANGES. The court has set up the custody agreement. This is IT and there IS NO DEVIATING! Really? Never? Come on now - there are always circumstances where plans have to be changed. Flexibility is a good thing. Reasonableness is a good thing. Cooperation is a good thing. I realize that there might be times when your ex simply doesn't want to hold up his end of the bargain and expects you to always be the one to change. I also know that you know the difference between that circumstance and a real reason to change. Be generous. Your kids will appreciate it.

3. LETTING YOUR KIDS DO THE PUNISHING. Our children are brilliant - all of them. They know exactly how to get inside of us, how to get on our good side, how to get what they want. If you (God forbid) have told them about how you'd like to punish their mother for her evil ways, and they begin to do it for you through stubbornness, bad mouthing, refusal, etc, you lose! You've taught them that it's okay to be vindictive and mean. Is this really how you'd like your kids to turn out? If you see them do this punishing, have a chat with them and discourage this behavior.

4. ALIENATION OF AFFECTION. Were you the dumper or the dumpee? If you were the dumpee, I'd hazard a guess that you have lost all feelings of affection toward your ex spouse, and now, you'd really like to make her feel the same way you do, so you withhold all affection from her. Am I right? In civil law, alienation of affection used to be a great reason for a divorce - one of you was taken out of the marriage contract by a third other. Look. Let's not make this about blame. Let's not return malice with vindication. It's okay to acknowledge your hurt over being dumped. I have a question for you? Just how long do you intend to continue to foster this hurt? It reminds me of the man crawling across the desert. "I'm so thirsty. I'm so thirsty" he wailed. He came to an oasis and drank. As he crawled out the other side of the oasis, he wailed "I was so thirsty. I was so thirsty." Like that.

5. YOU DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN TO HER: You are so angry your ex left you and took up with "her." I have a friend who, knowing what a sap her husband makes out of women, calls the new woman "True Love." So, because you're so angry at him, you tell your kids that you are their mommy and they don't have to listen to her. Well, of course they do. If they go to their dad's home and she lives with him, it's her home too and she's got a right to establish reasonable boundaries. (Unreasonable boundaries is not the subject of this paragraph.) Loving kindness begets loving kindness and isn't this what you'd like your children to experience? Try sitting down the three of you together (you, him, and True Love) and work out something that is beneficial for your children. Children are wrenched apart with adult squabbling, so quit it.

In his book "Getting Over It: Wisdom for Divorced Parents," Len Stauffenger shares his simple wisdom gleaned from his divorce with his daughters and with you. Len is a Success Coach and an Attorney. You can purchase Len's book and it's accompanying workbook at http://www.wisdomfordivorcedparents.com

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