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School’s out, and your teenagers are home. An apt metaphor for this moment is a messy room. A metaphor for what? For any area of their life(and your relationship with them) that’s currently a mess! Keep reading to learn how to deal with a messy parent-teen relationship!
You politely ask them to clean their room. They say, ‘OK,’ but nothing happens. You ask again, same answer, same result. The mess continues to grow. You try every trick you can think of ...Nagging. Whining. Threatening. Cajoling. Pleading. You say, “How many times do I have to ask you to do this!” And discover that the answer is at least one more. They must know how you feel. Why doesn’t that motivate them to take action?
It’s called adolescence, that moment in a child’s life when their hormones hit their brain, and they go slowly (and thankfully, temporarily) insane! At least that’s how it looks to a parent. Lucky for you that you have a number of choices for dealing effectively with this aggravating, amusing and unsettling stage in your child’s life!
Back to the messy room, and the potential power struggle about to ensue. Your child insists, “This is my room. I should be allowed to take care of it any way I want.” “ You respond with a mature “Oh yeah? Well, this is MY house. If you want to live in MY house, you must live by MY rules. One of my rules is CLEAN YOUR ROOM!”
Your child is now faced with two choices, surrender to your will and feel defeated, or fight for this little bit of territory in a big and complex world. Fight and surrender are stress responses. The best case scenario with these choices is that your child will learn how to turn messy situations into stressful experiences!
The Cost of Surrender
Defeated children often become dependant and fearful adults, a fate you would never wish on someone you love. But a defeated adolescent may not stay defeated forever. Fueled by hormones, and egged on by peers, they may flip into attack mode. Then, even if you win the battle(a clean room) you start and lose a war ( relationship becomes a complete mess.)
The Cost of Fighting
Or they may defend their territory against your invasion, with troublesome questions, challenges and demands. “What is it with you and my room?” What gives you the right to decide?!” Now keeping the problem becomes more valuable as leverage for growing a rebellion.
But you have other choices that can help your child learn better choices too.
See this for what it is
As children grow older, they carve out more space for themselves. It’s not rebellion without a clue. It’s rebellion with a cause: discovering who they are when they are not under your influence. But well-adjusted children don’t grow up to live apart from society, but rather to play their part in society. This is an important moment in your child’s development, so use it to help them learn about interdependence.
Beware the Polarity Response
Perhaps you’ve heard it said that if you want to get something done, either do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your kids to do it? When you forbid an adolescent to do what they want, you increase their desire to do it.
Share the concerns:
Explore their reluctance in dialog. What’s going on? What’s the problem?
Share the power:
A big part of self-reliance is accepting the consequences of one’s actions. Establish consequences for doing and not doing what needs to be done, but let them make the choice. You want your teen to make a link between what they do and what happens as a result, instead of making you the issue. State consequences clearly, preferably in advance, and follow through right away. Associate rights and privileges with responsibilities, whether it’s food, play, homework or chores.
Punishment teaches children to feel bad, but not to change their behavior. Discipline establishes consequences for positive and negative behaviors, and then delivers those consequences reliably. Consequences are the natural order of things. If you touch a hot stove, you get burned. If you step off the top of a tall building, you drop.These natural consequences give us feedback in the trial and error experiments of our lives, but they can be harsh and painful. To protect your child from the natural consequences of bad choices, establish consequences that hurt less than falling, but are as dependable as gravity.
Sometimes, you have to say NO. But it is in your interest to be aware of the nature of adolescence, and to combine clear messages about consequences with unfailing love, constant curiosity, and open communication.
Dr.Rick Kirschner is a communication expert, a bestselling author, speaker, trainer and coach, faculty member with the Institute for Management Studies, and adjunct faculty at Southwest College of Naturopathic Medicine. Read his blog at http://drkblog.com , attend a free teleseminar preview of the Communication Tune Up at http://CommunicationTuneUp.com
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More articles by Rick Kirschner
- Watch Your Relationships! (Florence Bernard)
Relationships developed by teenagers are likely to be tumultuous and can have consequences in their adult lives. Keeping an eye on them and pointing out the right attitude makes a lasting difference. - Helping Your Senior Parents Move (Marilyn Ellis)
When people age, the roles ofter reverse between parent and child. This new relationship feels awkward and overwhelming for both parties. Aging parents can be stubborn. Grown children can be torn between their responsibilities to their needy parents and their own families and careers. Lots of sadness, anger and frustration occurs. Marilyn Ellis offers both insight and important tips on how to cope when you become parent to your parents. - Getting Continuity With Your Ex about Your Kid's Behavior (Len Stauffenger)
When you are divorced and your kids have a weekend with your ex - their other parent - do you notice a difference in your child when they come home? Is their behavior altered from when they are away from you? Maybe it's time to run a few ideas about continuity by your ex and try for a little buy-in for your value-driven decisions.
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