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Author: Rick Kirschner

Great. Now they say Nagging and Whining Work?

Well, science has finally done it! What’s 'it'? Given aid and comfort to the nags and whiners (whingers in some parts) of the world! Can you feel the (lack of) excitement? The message from the data seems to tell people whose gift is grinding down the will to live in others - Go ahead and drive people to exhaustion, it works! When their defenses are down, when they can’t put up any more of a fight, YOU WIN!

Well, at least that's how some have interpreted some recent research. When I read about this (in an article in The Australian) I was left with some nagging questions.

I can accept the idea that this bad behavior works in the short term. But at what cost? What are the long term consequences? What happens to a relationship when this is the method used to get what a person wants? What happens when you see one of these whiners and nags heading in your direction? And maybe more to the popint, what happens when you learn about the way these behaviors work, and learn how to counter it? Because you can counter it. I've written extensively about strategic responses to people who turn this crank.

Alas, the science behind the study offered no such insights. Now, I don’t work in a lab, so I don't have much in the way of science to back me up on what I confess to be mostly my opinion, tempered with real world experience derived from over two and a half decades of my own studies into human behavior.

Nagging and whining work, but only to a point. And that point is often the breaking point in relationships, and the backlash can be significant. Nags and Whiners become unwanted and unwelcome. They come across as negative, obnoxious and oblivious to their effect on others. And those who deal with these bad behaviors tend to go out of their way to stay out of the way, and then become dismissive of more productive behaviors when coming from a grievous source. So, in other words, the bad behavior works, and then it doesn't. Just as people become exhausted dealing with these behaviors, these behaviors exhaust their effectiveness in very little time and produce the exact opposite response that what they're intended to get.

If a person wants long term persuasive success, then building relationship almost always works better than tearing apart and beating others down. If a person wants the next interaction to be simpler than the last, more productive than then last, less work than the last, whining and nagging just don’t cut it.

I could go on, but I have no desire to be whiner or nag myself. I like people. I believe in their capacity to learn, grow and change for the better. And when I read about a study that could lead people to draw erroneous and potentially damaging conclusions, I am compelled to make the case clear for those with the desire to hear. Is the end near? No. It's right here.

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