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Why We Are NOT Nice To Others As We Ought To Be

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Published: 28Jun2009
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Jesus said we should love our neighbors as ourselves, and Buddha asked us to practice loving kindness. But these are abstract theories, often ignored in practice.

In spite of the Christian belief and the Buddhist practice, we are NOT nice to others as we ought to be. Our behaviors simply do not demonstrate loving kindness.

Loving kindness, or to be nice to others, is a very complex human endeavor. As such, it is difficult, if not impossible. There are many reasons for this:

Firstly, we are imperfect, but somehow we expect some sort of perfection from others. Our knowledge is incomplete: this affects our perception of others and their acts. Unfortunately, our judgment of others is based on our own perceptions and memories of past experience (also compounded of incomplete knowledge and hence distorted perceptions).

The second reason why we are not nice to others is our pride. Pride is the first of the Seven Deadly Sins, and for a good reason.

We put too much emphasis on the "self" that we prone to think that our beliefs and convictions are right. Our pride often prevents us from admitting that they could be wrong.

The communication media have put so much emphasis on the "self" (e.g. "self-esteem) that we become preoccupied with the "self." As a result, we all acquire subconsciously a "mine-is-better" attitude. It is this attitude that makes us judge others or too ready to give our advice when it is not called for. When we were children, our parents made us feel that we are "special." We have never outgrown this attitude: we simply transfer it to our churches, our political parties, and social organizations - we still cherish that "mine-is-better" attitude. However, we don't want to look biased and intolerant, so we learn to disguise it, not only from others but also from ourselves. It is human nature that "mine-is-better" attitude is difficult to eliminate. And it is even more difficult to admit that our convictions could be wrong.

The emphasis on diversity may not help us to be nicer to others: it may make us only see the differences and see others' inferiority, and hence reinforce our "mine-is-better" attitude.

The third reason is that in Western cultures, we are encouraged to express our emotions freely. This is dangerous: we think we have a right to express our own emotions at the expense of hurting others' feelings.

C.S. Lewis shows us how to "discipline" our negative emotions: When you know you are not going to behave friendly towards a person, put on a friendly manner and behave as if you were a nicer person than you actually are. In a few minutes, you may actually feel more friendly towards that person.

Not controlling your negative emotions is like drinking salt water: the more you drink, the thirstier you become.

The fourth reason why we are not nice to others as we ought to be lies in our desire in face saving. We want to preserve our self-image (see, it has to do with the self). When know that we are not nice to others, we make excuses for ourselves, such as it is the way we are (meaning, our behavior is not within our control); or we justify our behavior, such as someone is rude or provocative. Face saving makes us more concerned about our self-image than improving ourselves, correcting our misbehaviors, or attempting to be nice to others we do not like.

The only way to overcome the difficulties to be nice to others is empathy, which is the capability of "connectedness" to another individual. Dalai Lama, the Tibetan spiritual leader, aptly demonstrates how he instantly connects to people of different cultures, religions and perspectives. On the first meeting with any individual, he trains himself to feel that the individual is simply "a fellow human being with the same desire to be happy and to avoid suffering as myself." With this mindset, he becomes nice to everybody, without any exception.

Stephen Lau is a researcher and writer. He has published several books and many websites on health, healing, depression, eating disorders, and golf. For more information, and get your FREE 134-page e-book "All-Round Weight Loss" go to: http://www.stephenlau.name/ei.html

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